Tears of Real Joy

Tears ran down her face as she soaked in the words on the page. She had been reading her daily Bible study, and today's message hit her harder than anything had in a long time. For months, she had been striving to draw closer to God, sometimes feeling his presence and peace and other times wondering if He was even real. But these words set a flame in her soul and captivated her heart, making it impossible for her to deny the very real and personal King of Kings.

Her tears were not only the release of anxieties, frustrations, and doubts; they were also an outpouring of true joy that she had not experienced in some time. She had felt happiness and gratitude for all of God's blessings. She had understood the richness of her relationships and of so many other aspects of her life. But for weeks, or maybe months, she had not experienced the real, overwhelming, undeniable joy and peace that come from trusting in the Lord's love and goodness. And now, she felt the shedding of her petty worries and fears as the joy of God's presence filled her. The tears fell, cleansing her heart of all the needless doubts and making room for the truth within these words.

"...God is not only the answer to a thousand needs, He is the answer to a thousand wants. He is the fulfillment of our chief desire in all of life. For whether or not we've every recognized it, what we desire is unfailing love. Oh, God, awake our souls to see--You are what we want, not just what we need. Yes, our life's protection, but also our heart's affection. Yes, our soul's salvation, but also our heart's exhilaration. Unfailing love. A love that will not let me go!"

She read the sentences over and over again, sensing the weight of their message yet also feeling the lifting of a burden long carried. She didn't understand why such words were touching her now, when she had really known this all along. She had known... but she had not absorbed the reality of God's unfailing love. She had not been going through her days with the idea that He was her soul's exhilaration! And in this moment, she cried for joy knowing that He had never let her go and He would never let her go!

Yes, these were tears of real joy.

A Very Special Day

Engagement, May 2008

Tomorrow is a very special day. It's special because 23 years ago, on August 19, the man to whom I am now married arrived in this world. I always love celebrating people's birthdays because they are such wonderful reminders of God's incredible gift of life! Not to mention they give me the opportunity to rejoice over the presence of loved ones in my own life.

I truly feel blessed beyond words to have Ryan as my husband. Even though I am sure I take him for granted throughout our days, weeks, and months together, I realize how much he adds to my life. Eleven years ago, when I first met him at youth group, I would have never imagined that I would someday be happily married to Ryan Foster. But now that I am, I could not be more grateful to God for carving this path for our life together.

August 2008

I love so many things about my husband. I love his adorable smile, his amazing green eyes (which I really hope get passed down to at least one of our children!), the way my hand fits in his and the way I have to stand on my tip-toes to kiss him. I love his adventurous side, his role-with-the-punches attitude, and his ability to calm me down. I love his understated sense of humor, his willingness to serve, and his desire to be a good and godly man. I love the way he looks at me and how he tells me every day that I am beautiful. I love his dedication, hard work, devotion, and encouragement. Basically, I found all that I wanted from a husband in him, the boy I dated for an hour during middle school, ate lunch with as a high school freshman, and fell in love with once my college years began. It's crazy the turn both of our lives took, but thank God things happened the way they did!

July 2010

Happy birthday to the best husband I could wish or pray for! I love you more than all the stars in the sky and fish in the sea, and I couldn't be more thankful that you love me :-).

Back Again

After more than a month, I'm finally deciding to update my very neglected blog. We've had a lot going on over the past month: a trip to Colorado, our one-year anniversary, a visit from one of my best friends, and more.

To start, our two weeks in Colorado during July were incredible! Not only were we able to spend time with family, but we also shared a perfect weekend in the mountains to celebrate our anniversary. One of our friend's family owns a cabin in Red Feather, and they were generous enough to let us use it for a weekend while we were in Colorado. Ryan arranged the whole weekend getaway, and I was completely surprised and thrilled. We had so much fun relaxing with each other, going on hikes, canoeing, and roasting marshmallows over the campfire. I enjoyed every minute with my husband of one whole year!

The view while driving in Red Feather

Enjoying a fun hike together

During the rest of our visit in Colorado, we enjoyed seeing family members and friends. Almost every day that we were there, we were able to see another much-missed loved one. We also had fun seeing my sister's boyfriend (also named Ryan... funny, I know) and going to one of his baseball games in Wyoming. Because his parents were also visiting at the time, it was a full house at the Burks's residence, but we loved the energy and the constant fun of it all. Toward the end of our trip, the whole gang made it up to Rocky Mountain National Park for a breathtaking summer hike. I was certainly reminded of why I want to move back to Colorado someday!

Daddy and his girls in Rocky Mountain National Park

The ladies of the family

Ryan and me with Jordan and her Ryan

When we got back to Florida, Carol, one of my best friends from high school, came to visit us for a week. She arrived the day after we got home, so there wasn't much time for unpacking or settling back in. But it was so good to see her and to have some one-on-one girl time. The weather cooperated enough for us to have several sunny days on the beach, and we also got some shopping squeezed in while she was here. During Carol's visit, I decided that she must be my good luck charm. We went bowling with some friends one evening, and I bowled over 100 for the first time in my life (135)... I even beat my husband! Ssshhh... don't tell him I told you :-).

Carol and me at St. Pete Pier

After Carol left, it was back to reality, which was not easy I must admit. But I'm extraordinarily grateful for our amazing vacation time and our chance to catch up with the people we love and miss so much every day. I'm already counting the days till I get to see my wonderful family again :-). Until then, I'm looking forward to sharing the rest of the summer with my loving and adorable husband. Even though I miss Colorado and my family, he makes Florida my 'home sweet home.'

Doubts

I was doing some research today for one of my internships, and I came across something that blew my mind. In the middle of reading about a very talented and accomplished writer named Donald Murray, I realized that EVERYONE doubts themselves at one point or another. And sometimes people that seem incredibly brilliant or beautiful or gifted from the outside really feel insignificant or incapable on the inside.

Just to give you an idea of who Donald Murray was, I'll list some of his accomplishments.

• He won a Pulitzer Prize at age 29
• He received an honorary doctorate from the University of New Hampshire, where he also established the school's journalism program
• He wrote for the Boston Globe for 20 years
• He published more than 10 books about the writing process, as well as fiction and poetry

Clearly, the man had talent. He knew how to write, and he was good at teaching others to write. But in his last column for the Boston Globe before his death, Murray wrote these words: "Every time I sit down to write I don't know if I can do it. The flow of writing is always a surprise and a challenge. Click the computer on and I am 17 again, wanting to write and not knowing if I can."

When I read this in my research, I could hardly believe that someone so gifted could have the same doubts that run through my mind. I constantly lack confidence when I go to pick up a pen or type up a story.

My sister-in-law, Jenna, was visiting recently, and she and I talked about a similar subject. We talked about how we often compare ourselves to others. We sometimes assume that certain people have huge levels of confidence in their appearance or in their abilities. But the truth is, almost every person has doubts. We all feel insecure at times, and we all have to summon the courage to be ourselves and to follow our dreams.

I think one of the only ways I can find to conquer the inevitable doubts and insecurities is to recognize that only one opinion really matters: God's.

Donald Murray may have experienced the same doubts and feelings of insignificance that I often face, or he may just have been a very humble human being. Either way, I think there's a good lesson.

Daddy's Little Girl

On this Father's Day, I want to take a minute to share some of the reasons why I love my my daddy so much. (Yes, I will always call him "Daddy" and I will always be Daddy's little girl). God has blessed me exponentially by giving me such a wonderful man to call my daddy. I love him more than words can really explain, but I'll still give it a try.

I love my daddy because...

My hand always fit perfectly inside of his.

He always gave me goodnight kisses.

He was never too busy or tired to play tickle monster.

He took me hiking, camping, backpacking, and fishing.

He abandoned some of his "manly" duties to braid my hair.

He played diving games with my sister and me until we were pruney.

He always encouraged me to set high standards and go for my dreams.

He chose to stay committed to his family.

He exemplifies faith and devotion to God.

He's not afraid to be goofy.

He taught me how to throw, catch, and bat.

He danced with me to Sleeping Beauty.... "I know you. I walked with you once upon a dream."

He treated me like a princess but also taught me the value of hard work.

He loved me no matter what, and he still does.

Thank you, Daddy, for being everything I could ever want in a father. I love you!

Words

I was reading back through little journal entries and random stories I have written over the past couple of years, and I found this. It reminded me why I try to keep writing, even if it's brief updates on my blog or scattered prayers in a notebook. It reminded me of the power of words.

I love words. I love the way language can move, inspire, captivate, and express. The way a certain word can convey an idea that is entirely unique based on its context and connotations. Words are the windows to how we see the world. The words we hear escape the lips of our loved ones can shape the way we love, the way we learn, the way we live. It may sound cheesy or idealistic, but words have paved paths in all directions of my life. My love of words began early on. For as long as I can remember, I have been writing. Writing my prayers, writing my thoughts, writing my experiences or lack of experiences, and now writing a combination of everything, including the daydreams that consume my days and nights. My mother says that I inherited my love of words from my grandfather. When he passed away several years ago, she found numerous pieces of scratch paper scattered around his apartment. These bits of paper contained everything: inspirational quotes, my grandfather’s own insights, unusual words and their definitions, and questions. These questions contained extensive subject matter: life, death, joy, sorrow, peace, friendship, love, hate. My grandfather loved words. He was moved, inspired, and captivated by language. He expressed his wishes, his fears, and his passions through words. Near the end of his life, he began to forget his words. Looking back, it’s as though his fading words marked the onset of his fading life. Yet he kept the important words until the end: "Hello," "Goodbye," "I love you." I still keep an envelope with my grandfather’s handwriting. It reminds me that I inherited my grandfather’s love of words. And I am glad.

More and more each day...

I can't always understand why God has so richly blessed my life. He has guided my paths from the very beginning, and He has sometimes diverted my own inferior plans to complete His all-knowing ones. I never imagined that I would be married to a childhood friend and living in St. Petersburg, FL. I have fretted about failing to graduate "in time," but I have seen that His time is what counts.

I recently started a writing project for Roy Peter Clark of the Poynter Institute (the company that owns the St. Petersburg Times). This opportunity fell in my lap by the shear grace of God, and He is allowing me to build my writing, researching, and editing skills through it. My connection with Mr. Clark has since led to another internship opportunity, this time doing research for an author regarding her second book. I can almost hear God gently whispering to me, "I told you so." Why do I worry when He is constantly telling me and showing me that He has a plan? When Ryan was first stationed in St. Petersburg, I worried that the universities wouldn't be good enough and that I would never get established in writing or editing. Now I see that God brought me to a place filled with opportunity.

Not only has God poured out his blessings on my writing and editing aspirations, He has also given us a home to call our own. I love our new house more all the time. Again, I feel like God is trying to prove his overwhelming love and provision for us. He is on His throne, He is in control, and I have nothing to fear.

More and more each day, I am seeing and experiencing how His plans will always transcend my own. Thank heaven for that!